I got this - I quit - is that ideal? or real?

Last time I wrote about knowing the stress triggers and what was going on with that.

It was about being seriously unhappy doing a job that I was asked to do thinking I was helping. Truth was it didn't help -ME -right? and I wrote down all the things that were going off.

 - the morning rush to get ready

 - what to wear -need more clothes(go shopping)

 - the traffic -gives me something to moan about and I feel like I'm in the city crowd 

 - having to dash for morning coffee, and then do it again mid morning, like one isn't enough

 - say yes to everything - even the bosses issues

 - I can do it - because I'm asked 

 - feeling wanted, needed and useful again (as if I wasn't already)

 - oh and the extra money - I think now the costs far out weigh the extra $

So now I’m back to doing what makes me happy - trust me theres a big list. I now know what works for me.

The biggest thing I’ve learned?

 - use my NO muscle - say NO

in reality it goes like this - 

 - there is no rush, if you plan and set yourself up for the day the rush goes away

 - it doesn't matter what you wear - people are kind and say how great you look anyway. Most of us know what dress code is and will naturally comply. Just because the elastic on your waist is gone and you are using a safety pin the rest of the world cant see it under your blouse. And your trousers/skirt still look good -right?

 - find another way to get to where you are going - or arrange to travel outside of peak times.Can you work from home? can you go early and do a walk in the park(fine weather thing)? or join a gym near work? public transport? its not to bad from Gulf Harbour to AK city, where I live.

 - ah the coffee thing - its a hormone disruptor and not worth the slurp - try decaf or just get tea, there are hundreds of great teas that are helpful to your body.

 - and don’t say ‘yes’ to everything - flex your no muscle - ask for help - you might be surprised

 - I can do it - put boundaries in place about what I will do - stay later than I should? No. Got important people to see? Yes. My family.

 - and I am wanted - no bounty on my head - get the thoughts going in your mind that support you!

 - and a girls got to live - so money is important. Find a way to improve your relationship with money. Manage it for a start. Know whats in your bank account and what payments are due. Get on top of it. Take half a day to set yourself up with a budget, a plan and a way into your future.

and theres a few other things - but thats another story.

stress triggers - you think you know them - really?

The last 6 weeks, I have been like a wind up toy getting over wound.

So whats it about?

I was asked to do an admin job while the usual admin lady goes on maternity leave. The business is that of a family friend  - my sons ex boyfriend. I like the guy, and I am happy to help.

I have allowed myself to react in old ways - and I thought I knew better -  because I spent time and healed my mind and body -right? 

Well the truth is, somehow, there is comfort in those old routines (movies). They feel familiar, they roll easy and to some extent I enjoy them.  

You know them -

• the morning rush to get ready
• what to wear -need more clothes(go shopping)
• the traffic -gives me something to moan about and I feel like I'm in the city crowd 
• having to dash for morning coffee, and then do it again mid morning, like one isn't enough
• say yes to everything - even the bosses issues
• I can do it - because I'm asked 
• feeling wanted, needed and useful again (as if I wasn't already)
• oh and the extra money - I think now the costs far out weigh the extra $

and the list goes on.

but the biggie is - did I recognise the stress triggers? What and when did the triggers go off? They say ‘know your triggers’ yeah right! 

so what is happening to me?

• sleep has become erratic ( I think after week 1), you know wake up at 2 and roll for 2hours.
• I’ve put on 3 kilos- OMG 
• night sweats are on, adding to the laundry and home jobs
• I need wine after work 
• the food choices - well its whatever looks nice, almost.
• I feel overwhelmed (even tho I thought I could do everything, notice no new writing blogs)
• I’m forgetting things, dropping stuff and making dumb mistakes
• exercise? I’m binge exercising - that is, all on the weekend, going hard
• meditation - last thing when I get into bed- just a minute or two and falling asleep
• it’s spiralling.

those would be triggers enough - wouldn't they?

So…..

If I’m honest with myself - is this my hearts desire? the answer is easy really - NO.

I like helping out someone dear to me. And thats where the confusion is. I’m caught in between.

I hope this helps you to figure your stress triggers.

and I’ll let you know what happens next.

Tigers in India

Tigers in India

Mum bought chickens for special occasions from Monks Butchery. 

“Our hens have laid too many eggs in their lifetime. Thats why they’re tough as old boots,” she said.

“Well, they wouldn’t got their necks wrung if they’da kept layin,” Dad said.

The special occasion this time was Aunty, coming home from India. She’d been there for years, it seemed.

“She’s spreading the good word,” Mum said.

When she arrived us kids had been bathed, so it was Saturday. 

Aunty was staying the night. In my bed.  

The settee in the lounge folded down, and my sister had the side closest to the door.

“So I can hear if she falls outa bed in the night,” Mum said.

“Aunty do you wanna feed the chooks with me in the morning?” I said.

The rooster crowed early. 

“I know, you’re just protecting your hens. Thats what Dad says anyway,” I said. 

Aunty knew how to scoop the poop out of the chook shed too. 

“Lots of eggs today,” she said.

“Yep, if they don’t lay, they get their necks wrung,” I said.

Aunty smiled.

We podded the peas before breakfast. I watched them bounce around in the water while Mum made the gravy.

Dad said grace. Sunday dinner was really lunch. 

The chicken was tender. 

Aunty told true stories of tigers killing village chickens in India.  My sisters eyes bulged, and my little brother put his fingers in his ears. 

“Rhubarb’s done well in the garden this year,” said Mum.

I couldn’t wait for pudding.

The smooth egg custard covered the rhubarb in the bottom of my plate.

“Dad, can I say grace next Sunday dinner? I wanna tell God I don’t care which came first. Chickens or eggs. I just want Him to keep the tigers in India.”

1st runner up in competition - judge said - 'nice pace with sharp sentences that allow the narrators voice to surface.'

yellow roses

yellow roses

The white polystyrene box sat on the beach. The delivery man a photographer. 

The anticipation thumped in my heart. 

I’d dreamt of yellow, symbolic of joy, and a mature love.

Margaret, retired, showed me her photo, and agreed to let me copy her style.

The lid came off.

There they lay, in their absolute beauty, promising hope, and new beginnings.

A card. 'good luck’ from Margaret. Florist.

Everything was as it should be. Balanced with the sunrise.

I carried the cascade of yellow roses to the summit. 

We married. 

Forever.

few words worth so much......

Wordsworth - a few words worth so much

PERFECT WOMAN
by: William Wordsworth (1770-1850)

HE was a phantom of delight

When first she gleam'd upon my sight;

A lovely apparition, sent

To be a moment's ornament;

Her eyes as stars of twilight fair;

Like twilight's, too, her dusky hair;

But all things else about her drawn

From May-time and the cheerful dawn;

A dancing shape, an image gay,

To haunt, to startle, and waylay.

 

I saw her upon nearer view,

A Spirit, yet a Woman too!

Her household motions light and free,

And steps of virgin liberty;

A countenance in which did meet

Sweet records, promises as sweet;

A creature not too bright or good

For human nature's daily food;

For transient sorrows, simple wiles,

Praise, blame, love, kisses, tears, and smiles.

 

And now I see with eye serene

The very pulse of the machine;

A being breathing thoughtful breath,

A traveller between life and death;

The reason firm, the temperate will,

Endurance, foresight, strength, and skill;

A perfect Woman, nobly plann'd,

To warn, to comfort, and command;

And yet a Spirit still, and bright

With something of angelic light.

returning home without Pa

Ma shivered. The house was cold. 

She walked the hallway, checking the caulking between the boards. 

The scrim and paper had been pulled off the walls last spring, and Pa was going to redo it. 

‘Freshen it up a bit,’ he’d said. 

The Works house manager hadn’t minded any improvements. She worried if unfinished improvements would be charged to her.  

“What you looking at Ma?” said Stanley popping out from the front room.

“Aw, just seeing where the drafts are coming from,” she said.

International Writers Workshop

IWW 2016 first workshop, under the trees. Trisha Hanifin worked with us on flash fiction. I'm looking forward to the challenge of writing a flash fiction story for the competition due in 16th February.